textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You did what with his pubic hair?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
