If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize