What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
