High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
