I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
