There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
