My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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