the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
