just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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