His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
did you just send me my own nude
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
