and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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