All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
