Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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