I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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