He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
