I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
