dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I party with great urgency now.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
