Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
