Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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