I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
