i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
