I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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