Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize