i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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