i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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