every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
