I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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