Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just invented taco cereal.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
