...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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