I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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