Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
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