OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
