I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
