I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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