cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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