My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You have to summon your inner elephant
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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