you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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