and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
