The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
i think we sleep fucked last night...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
