just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
