We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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