I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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