the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
