Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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