Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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