mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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