i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
