The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
