Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize