Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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