Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
