I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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