after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
