I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
