So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
