mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
