he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
A+ Viking dick
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
