So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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