get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
