i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
