I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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