Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
