I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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