just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
