apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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