farters have to be the big spoon...
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
